Preserving “Speakings for the Dead”
Inspired by the book “Speaker for the Dead” by Orson Scott Card, I started writing my own type of “eulogies” when those close to me started dying. Originally posted to Facebook, I’d like to preserve them here for the future:
Donald Stoner
Don Stoner was a good man. If he saw someone in true need, he’d bend over backwards to make sure that their need was met. He was a thoroughly honest man. When you asked him, he always told you exactly what he thought with no equivocation. Most people aren’t brave enough to do that, but he was, and I admired him for it. And, he was a hard man. He was a man that lived a hard life, and it made him hard. It’s a hard world, and he hardened himself in response to meet it. Because, in the end, that’s who Don Stoner was, a man who saw the challenge of the world, accepted it, and bested it.
Don saw the world in a very specific way. He had one of the biggest hearts of anyone that I’ve known, but he guarded it closely. On the outside, he was an affable man that could shoot the breeze with just about anyone. On the inside, he was at the same time both a classic liberal that wanted everyone to be safe, protected, and taken care of – and a classic conservative that wanted to maintain the traditions of family, integrity, and respect. He saw the world as he felt it SHOULD be, and when reality didn’t meet his expectations, he made sure that everyone knew about it. Of all things you could say about Donald Stoner, you could never say that he was passive, meek, or mild. He had the courage and strength of character that was designed to change the world around him.
As I knew him, he was a man who had accomplished everything in his life that he sought to accomplish. As with most of us, he dreamed of meeting the love of his life, and he did it. He dreamed of starting his own successful farm, and he did it. He dreamed of having a family and leaving a legacy behind, and he did it. He accomplished everything that a person could hope to in life, everything that he set his mind on… not everyone can say that.
His life was not without challenges. There were good seasons and bad, good years and bad. Life threw curve-balls at him, but he rolled with the punches and always came back fighting, hard. Even near the end of his life, he made sure that he didn’t go out until HE was good and ready for it. When death came for him by surprise, he fought it back, because it wasn’t the time of HIS choosing. He died peacefully and quietly, having seen that his work in this world was done, and that the world had become a better place for his presence in it. May it be that we all can say the same, when our time comes.
The Greek Philosopher Plato said that the un-examined life is a life not worth living. Well, if you examine the life of Don Stoner, you’ll see that his life was ABSOLUTELY a life worth living. It was a life that we should all aspire towards, a life where, when we see something wrong with the world, we don’t just sit idly by and let it stand. We change the world, for the better, through our actions, through our good intentions. That’s what Don Stoner taught me. Honesty, compassion, and strength. That’s the legacy that he leaves behind. May we all have such a life well lived.
Joan Stoner was the quintessential grandmother. When you think of a grandmother, Joan is really who you’re thinking of. Usually walking around with a smile on her face and a pleasant demeanor, she loved to cook. She was usually the main one working hard at preparing the family holiday feasts, which were always well thought out. She liked growing food in her garden, canning, and baking.
She loved to socialize, and spend time with others just talking, and listening to them. She was such a great listener, sometimes even to her detriment, as others would often interrupt or talk over her. But that never seemed to bother her, as she would just fold her hands, put on her polite smile and wait for others to finish before speaking again, very rarely ever interrupting anyone herself. She had a greater patience than I’ve ever seen in anyone in all my life.
Joan Stoner
Joan Stoner was the bedrock of her family. Totally devoted to her husband Don, they set a standard that will be hard for any of us to meet, giving their children a stable household and childhood that frankly, I’ve always been a bit envious of. They complemented each other perfectly. She is what held her family together during times of great turmoil and internal strife. When things got fired up, she was always the one to calm them down. She was the ultimate mediator, able to take even the strongest of tempers and bring them back down to a simmer.
[section removed at the request of Leslie]
She was kind, compassionate, and generous. She would do anything for her family, and indeed, for anyone else in need. Even after retiring from public service as a nurse for over a half century, she still volunteered at food kitchens, and wherever else she could help. Because she was a giver, through and through.
However, that does NOT mean that she was passive. Far from it, her will was just as strong as any she ever went up against. She was extremely opinionated, and would not shy away from talking about those dreaded conversation killers, “religion and politics”. That was another thing that I admired about her, that she was never afraid to talk about anything. She was a Truth seeker at all times.
She had a passion for politics, and always kept up on the latest news. She was always willing to excoriate those in the public realm that meant to do others harm, or that thought only of themselves and their own self interests. She was a staunch supporter of the progress of civilization, rather than its regression. And she lived to see much of that progress, from black and white TV to color, from rotary phones to cell phones, from encyclopedias to the internet. She saw it all, and wasn’t hardly phased by it at all, just kept adjusting, learning, and growing.
We would do well to learn this from her. She was a fighter, as we should all strive to be.
She has left a gaping hole in her family, and I hope that we will all have the strength to learn enough to try and help fill that hole. There was never on this earth a person quite like Joan Stoner, and there never will be again. The world is a much poorer place for her passing.
Denise Rose (Bennett) Daniels
Denise Rose (Bennett) Daniels was a firework. A sonic boom on the water. An explosion of energy that could not be contained, except maybe by her own willpower. MAYBE.
Growing up a Navy brat, and not really knowing my biological father, she was the only one that was always there, from day one. The only constant presence in my life, even when we were miles apart.
She was the most generous person I have ever known. If you were in true need, she would give you what you needed if she had the power to do so. If you were NOT in true need, she would have no qualms about telling you why you weren’t, how you could get what you wanted, and tell you why you wanted it, but didn’t really need it. In that way, she also helped, and even if the recipients didn’t always see it as help, her heart was always in the right place.
She was a complicated person.
She was always right, even when she wasn’t.
She could spend HOURS telling you stories about her life and adventures, or gossip about this person or that one. She was a hand talker – so much so that one time she was telling a story and when Michael grabbed her hands – she forgot what she was talking about! She could (and would!) offer you advice on how to fix up your life, but always knew that she could never make anyone do anything they didnt want to.
She had a sarcastic personality and a sharp tongue. She was a social butterfly, and loved being around people more than just about anything – they energized her. She fed off both good vibes and drama equally, but she’d deny the latter until she was blue in the face.
She was always willing and open to trying new things, new experiences. When you had some food in your hand that she was curious about, she’d ask to try some. When you offered it to her, she’d always make the SAME look of disgust on the initial bite – whether she liked it or not, and then say “you like that???” and listen to you explain yourself. You’d finally know whether she liked it or not if she went and got some for herself, or didn’t.
That was the thing that was often times confusing for me about my mom – she’d always tell you exactly what was on her mind, but I never got the feeling like I truly KNEW her or understood her inner workings. I think it’s because I don’t know that she did a lot of self reflection. I’ve heard her speak her opinions on an infinite number of things in and about the world around her, but I never once heard her talking about her inner feelings, and what caused her to form her judgements. I never heard her turn her sharp eye and sharp tongue inwards. If she did, I was never privy to it.
I suspect though, that I wasn’t privy to it because she didn’t do it. I truly believe that, like my daughter who takes so much after her, my mom was a creature of novelty – a hummingbird that would flit from thing to thing, without dwelling for too long on anything, experiencing everything and feeling all of the power of life – the good and the bad. Maybe that’s why the life of a Navy wife suited her so well, going from place to place, people to people. She was someone that reacted to the world around her strongly and LIVED every moment.
She was a magical thinker. She believed in God and heaven, angels, luck, past lives, psychics… she was open minded to just about anything that couldn’t be proven or disproven.
She always challeged me; she is the one who made me an independent person. She instilled in me a love for freedom, a love for the world around me, and a love of all people, no matter their demographic.
She showed me what it was to be strong, to be brave, and to not take crap from anyone. She also taught me to respect others for who they are, not who you want them to be.
She taught me how to be a fighter, and how to forge your own way in the world.
Most importantly, she taught me how precious every single moment of life is – every smile, every tear, every laugh, every sob. She fought hard to stay around for her devoted husband for as long as she could. Even when she had accepted what was to come, and was ready to go, she still stuck around as long as she could, for all of us. Because that’s what she did – she GAVE.
I wish I was there in her last moments on this Earth. But, I am happy that I did get to see her one last time and tell her that I love her. If there’s one thing she taught me in life, it’s that you have to do everything you can for your family. I was needed by my own nuclear family, and so I had to go. I did what I could for my mom when I was there (which wasn’t much), and then I left so that I could do for my own what I could. I’m sure Mom would approve.
I’ll miss her voice. I’ll miss her gaze. I’ll miss her piercing wit and biting commentaries.
But most of all, I’ll just miss my Mom.